Allison Holker Shares Her Heartfelt Journey Through Trauma to Inspire Others to Reach Out for Support: 'You Don't Have to Face It Alone'.
Allison Holker has faced an overwhelming wave of emotions since the tragic loss of her husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, who died by suicide in December 2022 at the age of 40. In the beginning, the depth of her grief was so intense that it felt like it was etched into her very bones. Soon after, she experienced a surge of anger that was hard to contain.
"The last two years have been a series of relentless challenges," Holker, 36, shares exclusively with People in this week’s cover story, available on newsstands Friday. "I’ve been working to let go of this anger, and I’m realizing that there will always be moments when I feel incredibly sad, angry, or confused."
In her heartfelt memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light (set to release on Feb. 4), Holker opens up for the first time about the struggles her late husband faced in his final days. She reflects on how she fell in love with the charming Montgomery, Alabama native after overcoming her own tough childhood, and how she has dealt with feelings of betrayal following his passing. Holker is committed to helping others who are silently suffering.
"It pains me that Stephen kept everything bottled up for so long," she expresses, while honoring her late husband’s legacy. "He was always the pillar of strength for everyone around him." In the wake of his death, Holker established the Move With Kindness Foundation and partnered with the National Alliance on Mental Illness to promote mental health awareness in his memory. She hopes to create a safe space for everyone, especially their daughters Weslie, 16 (from a previous relationship), and Zaia, 5, along with their son Maddox, 8, to express their vulnerabilities openly.
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It's really important for me to share my truth to help others, she expresses. "I want anyone who might be battling their own mental health issues and questioning whether to take that irreversible step to reconsider. Your actions can impact so many more people than you realize. If you reach out for help, there are people who can guide you back to the light." In 2023, Holker and her children began intensive therapy, and she acknowledges that she's only recently come to understand that "it's okay to not be okay." "When Stephen was at his lowest, he tried to open up a bit, but he was very cautious with his words.
I wish he had felt comfortable enough to seek help, to go to therapy, and to talk to his friends or family," she reflects. "I want to avoid falling into the same patterns that Stephen did. For the past two years, I focused on getting my family through tough times, but I realized I hadn't taken the time to heal myself," Holker shares. "Now, I'm trying to accept help in my life. I'm allowing a therapist to support me, letting my daughter and friends assist me.
It's still a bit of a struggle, but I'm making progress." Many of her cherished memories with Boss are now overshadowed by trauma, yet she has worked hard to separate those feelings. "I need to remind myself that we shared a wonderful love, and he was an amazing dad," she says. "I don't want every memory to turn into something sad or filled with anger."
She has begun to come to terms with the fact that she may never have all the answers. "I won't find closure. My children won't find closure. It's something I'm still trying to wrap my head around, which is why therapy is so beneficial," she shares. Her daughter, Weslie, is now about the same age Holker was when she embarked on her dance journey. "The most important thing I want for Weslie is to empower her to face whatever challenges come her way," Holker explains, recalling her own difficult upbringing marked by poverty and bullying while she worked as a janitor at a dance studio during her teenage years.
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"That's truly my wish for my kids. Just keep moving forward. Life will throw things at you, and that's perfectly fine," she adds. A year ago, they moved into a new home, which feels like a new beginning. "I was feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions and memories tied to our previous house.
It was a significant decision for our family to choose to move on together," she reflects. "I realized we needed a lighter atmosphere, and once we arrived here, it felt like everyone could finally breathe freely for the first time in ages." Although Holker, who became a judge on So You Think You Can Dance in early 2024 and plans to start a podcast with Weslie this year, understands that grief is not a straightforward journey, she has recently sensed the intensity of her emotions starting to lessen. "For the first time in a long while, I've discovered a sense of peace that I had been searching for," she reveals.
Allison Holker's new memoir 'This Far'. PHOTO: Harper Select
In September, Holker publicly introduced her new boyfriend, tech CEO Adam Edmunds, and she is excited about what lies ahead. "I'm on a journey to discover the best version of myself. Not the version I was with Stephen or before him, but who I am now as an individual," she states confidently. "I know I can achieve that." If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling 988, or text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light by Allison Holker is set to be released soon.
